Growth, or, I Need to be Seen for This

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Was it messy, fearful
core-rocking, beautiful
contagious
The seeping fear present exacerbated
by kindness
and coolness

No one ever knows
That’s a lesson

Mystery lumps
A change of smell
Heart-bursting rubber-tearing
Touch me always and never again
Sleeplessness and crying
Some strains of weak sunshine
a badge
a noose

A little death on repeat
Until it stops
That’s some lesson

A ride, that thrill
The activity, a chore
Delicious blanket of angst I chew on
a bit
Electrocution
Body-jerking masturbation with a cruel witness rubber-stamping a return

This is no love
This is the easy stuff
Virtual, a hit
Magic dust distraction
A dollar for the ride to lose your legs again

This is the easy stuff
Ignorable stuff
Just proof that
you’re not dead
you’re not bored

Disposable dreaming
A fleshy outcrop
A cluster as target
New skin to rip
Cryogenics helps
That’s one lesson

Epilogue:
I’m not a fan of the Ice Age,
flooding, cycles of extinction.
Comets, constellations
Ugly amphibious attractions to light
Grasping fingers
Prehensile hearts
An awareness of eyes
Creeping
A damp slow-swelling brow
A growth
New, weak, pale green
Easy to murder on no mans land
a long way away
But it’s material
Time is material

(c) Vera Chok

It’s an odd thing, to wish someone ill. An unfamiliar but deep feeling. I feel therefore you should too. Have some sort of reaction, please, so that it validates my interpretation of the events.

I find it particularly odd when I find some release, some clarity, after my trust in someone dissipates. It’s to do with my world view, my trust in my judgement, my ego. Someone once wrote or herself, that she falls in love with the potential she sees in the other person. A lot of my work involves building creative communities and platforming artists. I take pride in my ability to see things about people that none one else has really noticed or taken care of. In my social life, I find this to be true to a certain extent. Someone who doesn’t fulfill their potential, or worse, who self-sabotages, results in me feeling really awful. I take it as a rejection or a failure on my part. Logically, I know that their happiness and well-being has got nothing to do with me. We can never save anyone else, and our desire to affect another is usually motivated by our own need. Need is not a bad thing, but the lack of self-awareness can lead to catastrophe.

I’ve just lost a couple of people I thought were friends by finding out that trust is no longer available in my reserves. It feels as if I’ve lost. Like the world has lost out. That’s how silly my ego can be.

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